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Today's Buddha quote about living in the present resonates with me. Since reading a� book, Madonnas of Leningrad, about a cultured �woman with Alzheimer's, I recognized�a benefit of Alzheimer's- no worries. It seems the ultimate emotional detachment, just watching events unfold. No worries about personal safety, no worries about eating, drinking, or healthy living.

The book opened my eyes in several ways. I was (and still am) mourning my mom's loss of memory. I am alternately in denial and sad about it.

But I tell myself that she now is eternally in the present. She has some long term memory left, but also makes up stories or imaginatively fills in the blanks.Whether it's what happened yesterday or when she was a little girl, it's all her imagination. The stories are creative and quite good. I am happy for her when she�recreates�her history to be positive. But I also miss the mom that could fill in the�family history�blanks for me....who is in that picture? how many horses did we have?�� She is now what medical people call an "unreliable historian"

Though �she lives in the present, I wish it could be with more wisdom.

Almost a year has gone since my last entry. Well, my weight is still about 122 lbs, meaning I haven't lost any weight at all (I remember I have ever reached 121 lb this year) LOL

I have been working as a ferry pier receptionist since Feb 1st, 2008. I don't really like this job but I work for the ok-salary.�

I have decided not to study Hotel Management. I may study some other things, probably English, or some other languages, in the future.

Tomorrow I will start my yogurt diet. I hope to nail my lose-weight goal before the new year comes.

Hello,

It's really really really weird. when you try to understand what exactly did you do wrong? or maybe they just dont like me. So they "accidently" shun me. weirdos

I really hate it when theres this person in your class... and you say you dont like themm... but... you are unconciously staring at them- like.. for a long time, really really long. Then you'd be like HOLY CRAP NO. i'm not supposed to be crushing on HIM.�� uh huh. then its like� wait.. why cant i crush on him. OH YA, cuz you're just NOT supposed to. cuz hes supposed to be a real�jerk yup...ya...and then.. you get on confused... like me =)

and then guess what happens next? you'd be like... wait... am i really really crushing on him.. or is it just his amazing looks. ??? then. you are REALLY REALLY confused. its not funny.

AND THEN. you feel like the whole world hates you just becuz THAT GUY doesnt like you back .it continues for days. until you finally calm down. i think.

�

ARGGHHGH I'M GETTING FRUSTRATED.�

�

type more later when i calm down .

I just got� off the phone with "kyle". Talked about my diary entry and other superficial shit.� I have to find something/someone to occupy my free time. I know I should be considering this upcoming semester but I dont even want to think about school or my faggot ass mentor. He is such a flamer, it makes my stomach hurt. Oh yeah, I spoke to daymon the other day, called him. Because he asked my sister about me. The first question out his mouth is who Iam sexin' of� course my answer was no one. That is none of his damn fucking business.�Although nothing ever went down with us, he claims he cant be around me cause he starts lusting after me. Like this is my fault, all I ever asked him to do was hold me that was it. I let him know that� Iam no longer interested in him and he� inquired why. Did not go into details but he�knows the answer. I told him I aint saved, churchy or holy enough for him. He dont eat pussy, toss salads or like oral sex performed on him. He thinks god wouldnt approve. He� once likened oral sex to sodomy, and I told him my pussy needs to be sodomized. He didnt find that comment funny at all. He� was supposed to pick me and�the kids up �yesterday to go to church with him but didnt show. Worked out great I didnt want to go, I dont like his church at all. and because of the ongoing competition with larry. He is missing out, not me I will never know what could've been� he beat me to the punch and sabotaged things before they even got started. He used to ask me was I gay, cause of my hair, he just had all these preconcieved notions about who I was and was suprised to find out I� wasnt who he determined I was.

On to another topic, the huggeth, which Isaiah called him to his face. He asked me what that meant lol. Yes he tried to hug me why I dont know, yuck. His dick is so tiny, 4real. I can always tell when he is dealing with a female he is so transparent. Not my problem. I got my own relationship to deal with meaning "kyle". I was on the phone with him when huggeth came to drop me off at mama's house. He seem irritated that I was on the phone. I dont really give a flying fuck about what he thinks, he wants to know whom Iam dating. None of his damn fucking business, I bet he jacks his dick and imagines� how I put on my man. He is just that type and Iam just the type to give him explicit (fake of course) details. I need to be close to "kyle" not sexually just close to him. He has said what he said so there is no need to inquire about how he feels about us. He's clearly� is disturbed by the idea that I would screw someone else. Hey he can have emotionless sex, but doesnt think I can master it. It is not me that is the� problem it is the man who I would choose. I am sure a brother dealing with me on that level would become clingy and deranged. It has happened�already.

Jerry has been calling me the past few day, I am avoiding him for no particual reason. He didnt do anything out of the norm dont want to be bothered that is all. I spoke to the� C.O.�last night. He is a very intuitive older man. He seems rather lonley, maybe his woman aint given him none. considering they arent on good terms. He appears to have his act together, he is humble and strong. A great combination. Anyway I need to de stress maybe take a bubble bath, put on some warm lotion and a t shirt with boy shorts. I should get @this book to keep my mind occupied. Perhaps it will help redirect my focus, which is currently on a lot of negative shit.

I forgot to add that I� got the Bianchi Bitch of my back and out of my life 4 good these last 4 years having been a living hell. Thankful it is over, never have to deal with them coming to my home opening up my fridge, delving into my personal affiars. Or questioning my kids on the low(or so they think), about what goes on here. No more ducking and dodging them ever again, I made a costly error. I paid for it with my ife. Literally I have learned my lesson, not a path I want to journey down again and have empathy for anyone who does. Damn I thank God it is over and I will never do that shit again. I mean never again.

That feeling of flying/free falling has come down. My feet are cemented into my old routine, again Iam depressed. I dont want to deal with my kids, I feel like I need a break from it all. Contemplating checking out......In the past few days� it seems like kyle and I have� or are drifting into nothingness. Is it because I told him what my mother said about him and I ? Probably that and after I talked to her i decided to cut him off. I still feel that she has some valid points, the distant between us is great, my children will have a hard time adjusting to him and the fact that I have unresolved issues with my other children. It is very kaotic round here, I dont fee l valued heard or respected. I wish there was someone who was here with me to help me out with the boys and just life in general. Sometimes I wonder is this a game for him, maybe he has someone there, while Im playing the fool waiting sincerley. I feel anxious and lonely. Not many people understand me. I regret having my children I often feel they are in my way and I cant breathe. I� feel like they are suffocating me, I have zero privacy, if Iam in the bathroom they are in there too. I just cant escape, well once I did when I went to visit kyle. And am considering� making an exodus to ny but not to seem him. I hate the life I have created. I wonder if I should have ever got involved with him on the strength� that I need someone who is supportive present and loving. I am doubting all that we discussed in the past. I have always had naggin doubts about his words. after all he is a thug. Why do I get myself into unhealthy shit, what is wrong with me, it� cant be that Iam needy. If I were I would have taken up with alot of men that are interested in me. Iam kicking myself for being so willing and stupid. Iam going to let things be as they are at this moment if he pursues� me great and if he doesnt then that is fine too. But in the interim I am going to do what I want to do and see whomever I so chose.That way in the end I will have very little regrets about the time I allocated. I know what everytime I talk with him now he so busy, not a problem I have a suprise for him. Either he will be conversing the answering machine or himself.� This scenario with his is all too familiar been here b4.

WHY??!!!�No seriously. When I need to write everything out, the computer happens to be turned off, or I'm not near one. And when FINALLY I get on the computer....I don't even want to think about writing!! ARGH!!

There much better...had to get that out.�So now we know why I have a total of 2 private and 2 - now 3 - public posts. Ahhh well...I'll post more...er....later....right? Let's go see if Janette's posted anything since the last time I came on....which was a month ago.

(Trust me she's way more dedicated to writing entries than I am. Most of my journals *on paper or on computer* had never lasted more than 4 entries. So I'm happy!)

Feeling extremely proud at the fact that she actually wrote an entry,

Joyce

I don't know if we're doing the right thing or the best thing but we're goin! We're leaving around 1pm today. His suitcase is half packed because he went to work a half day this morning. He's more excited than I am, that's the way it always is, me holding back and him cuttin loose.

Today is my birthday (53???!) woo-hoo! Life goes on, we gotta have some fun is what he told me and I guess it wasn't as much what he said as the look on his face when he knew I was gaining a strangle hold on the plan to take ourselves to Reno�to celebrate�my birthday.

At first I was with him on the idea, I was happy and excited. But day after day I had this nagging feeling that maybe we shouldn't go, maybe we should just let that money sit in his can.�My mistake is listening to�the "talking heads" on tv, they're�pointing towards the sky and cautioning us to "Duck!!"

But this morning I'm committed to leaving my worries behind and letting the good times roll! What's the big deal? The room is free and we could actually WIN! If we don't we definately will have FUN!

That's all I have to know, the rest is out of my control.